Autumn Leaves
by Gaby Black
Summary: RLSB oneshot. He knows that he will never have him, that Remus only likes girls, so he puts on his Sirius Black act again, his hair falling over his eyes so that nobody will ever know who they look at, will never know what autumn means to him.


**Disclaimer: **Sirius and Remus do not belong to me, but to JK Rowling.

**Author's Note:** Been feeling a bit down lately, so this sad little piece came out. My first attempt at one sided Remus/Sirius, usually of course I'd rather see them together, but I thought, after all it _is_ canon that Remus loves Tonks...

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**Autumn Leaves**

The first time Sirius Black ever sees Remus Lupin, he notices him because he has got a leaf in his sandy hair. The wind is blowing hard on this first day of September, and they all get on the train in a hurry. Sirius laughs as he takes the leaf away, and Remus blushes slightly. They stare into each other's eyes for a moment and another boy arrives and the magic is gone.

About a year later, as the Marauders are lazying under a tree on a Sunday afternoon, Sirius realizes that Remus's eyes are just the same shade of brown as the fallen leaves around them. Even though now they know Remus's secret, it does not affect the warmth of Remus's eyes, or the friendship that has come to develop between the four of them.

"Yesterday, you didn't go to visit your ill grandmother," Sirius says, and it is not a question.

Remus takes a deep breath and gazes thoughtfully up at the sky.

"No," Remus says, softly, and Sirius hates the moon.

Years pass by and every time autumn comes back, and Sirius wishes his feelings would go away, would be covered by the winter's snow, but they don't. And Sirius laughs it off, he fights against himself late at night, but it is no use. One day, Sirius has had enough. He believe he is not one to live in secret and lies, therefore he decides that the only thing to do is to tell Remus.

"Moony?"

Remus turns away from the window. It is always how Sirius represents Remus in his mind: quiet, thoughtful, looking over at the leaves-covered Hogwarts grounds, pondering past, present and future. Yet another image always follows: Remus laughing, his eyes twikling mischieviously just like Sirius's and James's, and Sirius feels proud and happy, because he knows that he is responsible for this.

"What do you think about me?"

Remus chuckles, surprised, and Sirius stares at the laughing lines on his face, mesmerized.

"What do you mean?" Remus asks.

Sirius shifts from foot to foot. He could never tell him, it's too hard... Most of all, he doesn't want to waste their friendship of six years. He knows, sees it in his eyes, that Remus doesn't consider him as more than his best friend.

"Do you think... do you think I'm a good person?"

Remus raises his eyebrows, amused. "Since when are you concerned about morals?"

"I'm just concerned about your opinion of me," Sirius grumbles.

But Remus doesn't hear him over James and Peter's snorings, and Sirius thinks perhaps it is better like this. He feels stupid now, what is Remus going to think of all this? He had thought he could tell him but he's not even brave enough.

"I wanted to talk to you anyway," Remus says haltingly, shaking Sirius out of his reverie.

"What about?" Sirius asks casually, even if he cannot help but hope.

"Marlene... I think I'm in love with her."

Sirius's heart breaks, and he feels so many emotions at the same time: sadness, despair, jealousy, disappointment, that he finds it hard to breathe. He should have seen it coming though: ever since the beginning of the school year, he'd seen the way Remus looks at Marlene McKinnon. He just didn't want to admit the truth, but the truth had decided to hit him square in the face that night.

"Are you okay?" Remus asks, concerned.

Sirius blinks and looks away, nodding. For a while they sit in silence, and when Sirius looks back at Remus and sees his puzzled expression, he knows that he will never have him, that Remus only likes girls, so he puts on his Sirius Black act again, his hair falling over his eyes so that nobody will ever know who they look at, will never know what autumn means to him.

"What time is it?" Sirius asks hoarsely, merely to say something.

Remus runs a hand through his sandy hair tiredly and looks at his old watch.

"Half past midnight... it's the first day of winter."

Sirius smiles bitterly.

Autumn is gone forever.

Whenever Sirius thinks about autumn, he feels his chest ache with pain at the memories of fights in the great piles of fallen leaves, of the beauty of Remus's soulful eyes, of magnificent sunsets and laughter and joy and innocence. And when Sirius spends his first fall alone in Azkaban, he misses Remus more than ever.

Many years later, Sirius gets a disagreeable feeling of déjà-vu as he walks in on Remus sitting by the window of Grimmauld Place's gloomy living room. Unfortunately, Sirius knows who Remus is thinking of, and it's not him.

"You like Tonks a lot, don't you?"

Remus considers his answer, but Sirius knows him well enough to know he does like Tonks.

"I think I do," Remus admits, blushing slightly.

This time, Sirius steps towards the window and sits next to Remus. Outside, the wind is blowing fiercely. Sirius knows what he is going to say, has known it for all his life, at least it feels like it.

"Then be happy, Moony," Sirius says, and his voice sounds hollow. "You deserve it more than anyone else. I only wish... I only wish _I_ could make you happy."

Sirius keeps his eyes on the street, and feels no kind of relief at the revelation of his long-kept secret. He knows it's no use telling Remus this, but they could be dead tomorrow and Remus needs to know how much he is loved. The silence streches; maybe five minutes, maybe more. Since Azkaban, Sirius can't keep track of time. Sirius watches as a Muggle family walks down the street, feeling strangely blank. He wonders if it's cold outside.

"Why didn't you say anything?" Remus says quietly.

Sirius shrugs. "Wouldn't have made much difference, apart from making things awkward. But it's different now. I'm stuck in here and too desperate to even feel awkward."

Remus sighs. "I'm... I'm sorry."

Sirius nods, still refusing to meet Remus's brown, friendly, _sorry_ eyes. He wonders if he will ever be able to.

"Don't worry, though, I'll be fine," Sirius says, and they both know it's a lie, the most blatant lie he's ever told, and he's told many.

Sirius wants to go outside and jump into piles of fallen leaves with Remus and James like they did when they were eleven, but he knows perfectly well that James is gone and that Remus is sitting here being sorry, and Sirius wishes he were a thousand miles away.

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**¤ author's note ¤ **Please review! Tell me what you like/don't like. Reviews really make my day. Thank you!


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